| dunno |
[14 Jan 2010|11:23pm] |
So I wanted to keep this thing real up to date, and I am dedicated to that idea. The only problem with that is that I literally have had nothing going on this winter break. I hang/hung out with a handful of people in town, didn't see all the people I'd have liked (which probably includes about 75% of my readership, or 3 out of 4 of you) lifted, played ping pong, studied calculus, played basketball, video games, read... and thats pretty much it. I don't really know what there is to remark upon right now, but I guess I can just write down a few thoughts that come to my mind.
So first off, I'm pretty confident I don't want to just be a math major. I was looking at math, physics, or electrical engineering. Math doesn't seem like it translates immediately into practical applications. Physics does more, and electrical engineering probably does the most. I think that the engineering major would take the most work of the three, but its actually a field in which they still need more people even in this economy. Just because I've been considering the major, a few internship opportunities for the summer have already kind of presented themselves, since I haven't really been looking. I need something to put on a resume soo badly, so the fact that this major should make that easier is really appealing. I feel bad telling people that I'm sort of in that major because I haven't really done any work for it yet, just changed out of a BS major. And I'm sure the work will be overwhelming, but I'm also sure I can handle it. I have yet to see a challenge that I can't accomplish. That may be an arrogant thing to say, but I don't care. I catch myself saying that last statement more frequently all the time. Maybe I'm mistaking confidence for arrogance or vice versa. I don't know, and I don't really care. I envied the work load my friends had this semester, and I'm changing majors into one with at least a comparable workload. So bring it UNH! Make me work.
I realized when reflecting upon the semester how much my relationship compromised other things I wanted, and who I was. I scratched the surface last update when I mentioned refraining from thats what she said jokes, but it goes a lot deeper. I guess thats what I meant by saying I learned a lot about who I was and who I wanted to be. It's really weird the times and places I notice it. Like just hanging out with a bunch of dudes playing video games or something. I had given that up for a girlfriend. I watched all 4 playoff games this weekend, and realized how much less attention I payed to the NFL this season, just for a girlfriend. And I enjoyed watching probably 12 hours of football this weekend, and realized how much I missed that. I'm sure plenty of people wouldn't enjoy it, and thats fine, but I really love watching sports, and giving some of that stuff up is stupid. I also know that at the beginning of the year, I was extremely dedicated to being the best RA I could be. I was in the hall, knocking on doors almost every night. Of course, it helped that my workload was so light and I was in class such a small fraction of the time. The extreme amount of free time will certainly be reduced this semester, and may even be miniscule, but I really want to re-dedicate to the job. I let myself get distracted, and I'm disappointed in myself for that. I think I can do the RA job as well as anybody I've ever met, if not better. I know I'm good at getting to know people, helping them out, and being friends with them. I regret not doing the job as well as I know I can. So while I had fun and was happy in a relationship, part of me really regrets it. At least it ended when it did. While I miss the happiness of being in a relationship, I really don't want to go looking for another one. It just messes up too much other stuff. Girls ruin everything. Just kidding, but I wanted some type of ridiculous, too-broad conclusion to draw. But I also spent my winter break growing a beard btw. Sort of a way of rebelling against women!! Or at least I like to pretend it is.
So I guess there was some more to say than I thought... and I should try to write more often still. In a week I go back to school, and I can't wait to un-pause my life, and get things going.
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[19 Dec 2009|02:10am] |
So I decided I want to keep this thing realll up to date. Cuz I'd like to keep a journal of what I'm doing in my life, and handwriting stuff really sucks and as my sister reminded me, I lose everything.
So I have been an RA this semester. We moved in after a real boring summer break, and for RA training I got here 10 days early. It was rough living in a dorm without AC at that point in the summer, but I got through it, and became good friends with my boss/hall director Marshall. When I met him last year we didn't really connect at all, but this year he's become one of the best friends I have here at school. We both have the same stupid sense of humor, can communicate well, have similar values, and just generally get along. He's one of the smartest people I've ever met, and really enjoy spending time with him, hearing his strong opinions on all sorts of things. He lives as a "straight-edge", which I had never heard of before meeting him. Its a youth movement which identifies with some heavier music and is all about not drinking, using drugs, or having promiscuous sex. I have those things as big parts of my own values, and while the music certainly doesn't speak to me, I think it's cool to see an adult as outspoken and proud about a lifestyle like the one I have chosen.
Through the RA job I've really learned a lot about myself as a person. While I felt like this semester has been sort of a waste academically, I keep reminding myself how huge it has been in my growth and development of myself, and who I want to become. I've been really open with people, and really have not been afraid of them thinking I'm weird for voicing my own opinions and feelings. Of course, I try not to step on any toes in the process, but I have really stepped up and told people about my morals and values in terms of drinking and sex and it seems like for the most part people seem to really respect not only how I feel about those things, but also how I'm willing to tell them how I feel.
I had a girlfriend this semester, named Sam. We had a lot of fun together, but it really went downhill fast and she was the one who actively ended it. While I knew that it probably wouldn't work out down the road, I had seen it lasting longer than a month, but it was fun while it lasted. We really connected and could talk to each other about stuff that we really didn't feel comfortable talking about with almost anyone else, which was the real strength of the relationship, and I feel pretty confidently that I know I can bring open communication to any relationship for the rest of my life. The problem came when we started realizing how little we had in common, and how different we were in most departments. (She doesn't even think thats what she said jokes are funny. Big red flag! haha). I had tried to see some sort of way of working through that, but it really just wasn't worth it. When it ended she said how we should maybe just be really close friends, since we had talked about stuff that she hadn't talked about openly with her parents or her best friends growing up. But when things ended, it bothered me that she didn't value that connection as strongly as I did, since it obviously would take a hit by being together less often and caring less. Since then the friends thing has been a headache, and today I started wondering when the last time was that we spent any time together and I honestly enjoyed it. While that feeling sucks, I know that she isn't right for me, and that I don't want to get back together with her at all. All I really miss is having someone like that around who cares a lot about the stupid things you do on a daily basis. But all in due time I suppose.
While mentioning communication, I should also bring up that this semester I decided to change majors. Last year, the communications courses were all the basic stuff, and while I felt like I was getting nothing out of it, I though that this year it'd finally start going somewhere. Then I took two higher level communication classes, dropped one and still didn't enjoy the other, and still had that sinking feeling of not really thinking I was learning anything at all. At the end of the semester, I was doing a group project in that class and kept changing topics to try to find something that the teacher really wanted us to do, and that alone felt like such a waste. Then I talked to my group, and several seniors in the major told me they felt that they hadn't learned anything useful or worthwhile still, and they were graduating. Then I started questioning what it was I missed about learning, and in reality it was learning things that are accepted facts, problem solving, and right answers. Not stupid essay questions where a professor can circle a sentence and just write "-6" above it. So I'm changing into the math and sciences school, and couldn't be more excited. It may result in summer classes or an extra semester somewhere, but its exciting. I could see a math major, physics major, or electrical engineering (!). While I don't know which major is right for me, I feel completely confident that communications was wrong, and I needed to be out of it. Making a big change like that was scary, but its so refreshing to come through it.
Even more crazy is how quickly things have changed. Last month alone I was a communications major with a girlfriend, and was slacking on his RA job. Now I've rededicated to the job, changed majors, and gotten my ass dumped. Its a real whirlwind, but it is kind of fun to wonder what each day holds ahead. Which leads to my winter break. This semester has been fun and changed me as a person, but my course load was a joke, along with how much work I had to do for it. I really haven't had to work much in school in 2 years now, and I'm so psyched to be overwhelmed next semester, and struggle with learning new things. What I don't need right now is a break, away from all the people that have influenced my life's changes this semester. So I'm not exactly psyched to go home for break, but it will be interesting to see how things are between old friends, where I feel I've become more comfortable and aware of who I am. I was about to write "I feel I've changed so much," but I don't think it has been a change of who I am, just realizing who I really am and the person that I want to be.
I'll probably update again very soon, since there is still so much more to talk about from this semester, and as I said, who knows what tomorrow holds? I move out of my dorm tomorrow once the last stragglers leave, which will be nice, since all the closest friends I've made this year in the dorm are already home. Its depressing here with the dorm so empty, but its such a weird feeling to reflect back on RA training. I was given a list of names and made nametags for each door, and had no idea the types of people I'd be meeting, or the effects they'd all have on my life. That was the last time the dorm was this empty. Now, I miss so many of them, and some left just 4 hours ago. The good thing about the dorm and being at UNH is that some of my new friends are from bedford and manchester, and I hope to spend plenty of time with them over break. Tomorrow, after moving out, I'll go home for the night, then sunday my friends Khanh and Gabbie from Manchester are driving me to our friend Cam's ski cottage(?) in waterville valley for a couple of days. I can't wait!
Feel free to comment or not. I assume nobody reads this site anymore, but it's always cool to hear from anyone still out there!
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| I miss this |
[17 Dec 2009|11:32pm] |
I was reading back over some old entries, and realized how much I miss this. I think I'll start writing in it again as soon as tomorrow.
What a pointless update huh? haha
writing soon
-Josh
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| movin' out |
[19 May 2009|02:01pm] |
I'm sitting here at my desk with about an hour till my dad gets here to move me out. Freshman year at UNH is over. While I was counting down the weeks till summer, now that its here, I am terribly sad about it. Its so sad to see everyone leave, and all of your new friends go back miles and miles away, and know you wont see some of them for at least 3 months. Next year I won't be in the same dorm, or on the same floor, and the community of this floor will be changed with other people moving elsewhere also. Its sad to think how this group of people who I just spent a year of my life living with will never really be entirely back together again. I know I'll see them all next year around campus, some more than others, but the way things were this year is gone. I suppose thats what I want to remember most next year, is to appreciate every little thing, because theres only 3 years left, and even with that much time, people will move elsewhere, transfer, and even some you'll never see again.
A girl from down the hall was crying last night when I went into her room for a bit, and I just talked to her for a while. It was a little funny that she was crying in bed, listening to emo music, because her best friend here went home for the summer. But I talked to her and told her what I've been thinking as people slowly trickle out of Gibbs Hall, which is how happy I am to be feeling sad. It sounds weird, but I can't imagine feeling happy right now moving out and seeing my new close friends disappear for 3 months. And I'm happy that I made strong enough connections in just 8 ish months that I will actually miss so many of these people. My idiot roommate moved out for most of the last few weeks, failed all his classes, and is gonna take a year off. Nobody even noticed he was gone, and the few that did congratulated us on it. I am so happy to know that I will miss so much of it here, and that those people will miss me next year.
I hope next year, with my single, that I will be able to do what I want to do more often and less of what the group of us in the room decided on. In a single, I can just decide for myself. These last few nights since my other roommate left, I've played apples to apples in the lounge, and made some new friends in the last 3 days of the school year. These are friends that told me to make sure I said goodbye, after only knowing them for three days. I just can't imagine how many other missed opportunities I had this year from sitting in my room or doing what my roommates or specific friends wanted to do. As an RA too, it should be pretty cool getting to know all of my residents.
Of course, its funny that only merrimack residents will be reading this, and I do miss home. This isn't to say that I don't look forward to seeing you all, but just how much I'll miss it here. This whole two homes thing sucks. Hopefully it will be a fun summer and I won't dwell on missing everyone here, and I'll be back before I know it. I'm hoping to make a to-do list for the summer, along with maybe a better summary of freshman year later on, but I'll believe it when I do it.
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| Weekend |
[16 Feb 2009|10:46pm] |
Not really a post, but I had a pretty damn good weekend. Friday night hung out playing video games with some kids on the floor, then played cards with the guys across the hall, then did the RA shadowing thing. Saturday I watched Rocky, went to get breakfast at like 12, went to the gym at like 2 or so, played basketball for like 3-ish hours, showered, went to dinner, then came back and watched the dunk contest with Dave across the hall and Ben. Then Dave and I played more cards in the lounge with someone else down there, then I went to bed. Sunday I went to my cousin's house and had a big turkey dinner, and saw some of them for the first time in about 6 months. It turned out they live about 10 miles off campus, and want to have me over for more sunday meals with them. Then I played more basketball sunday night, the hung christmas lights all around the room so we didn't have to use the stupid bright fluorescent lights anymore. Then we blasted some Bob Marley and hung out in the room, which led to about 7 people coming over to the room and hanging out and just talking and hanging out. We had a good amount of fun, stayed up too late, and then everyone left around midnight or 12:30. I also got another person who wants to room in the same triple next year if I don't get the RA position. I would like to keep this triple, cuz it is the most spacious dorm room I've been in on campus so far...
I guess I just need to be alright with not having plans and occasionally being without a roommate or company, but it also helps that the guys across the hall have started becoming better friends with me and the dorm's RAs. I guess maybe I'm starting to find my place... maybe. It'd definitely be nice
Also the RA class going really well, and I think I kind of took a leaderish role in the class today, and since there's only 3 total classes, and one left, I like my chances.
So thanks everyone for your concern, I really appreciate all of you, and the ongoing support and everything, thanks a ton!
As a side note this weekend I'm going to Bryant then Boston for a little fun, but my RA-ing assignment is giving a personal definition of diversity, then seek out an experience that fits my definition of diversity and writing about it. I don't think it has to be anything too drastic, but anyone who can give me any ideas sort of quickly, or even their definition would be helpful.
Thanks in advance guys!
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[13 Feb 2009|04:42pm] |
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mood |
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For some reason I only really get around to updating this when I'm down. So... sorry.
I'm staying here this weekend, and really don't know what to do. Both roommates are gone, and one of these 2 nights I have to interview an RA and watch them do rounds so that I can continue the process of becoming an RA. I guess I should have mentioned that from the start, but I'm applying for an RA position so that I can get free room and board in a single and hopefully make some friends out of next year's incoming freshman. But yeah. Tonight I have hockey tickets and Ben has a sketch comedy show. I don't really want to go to either all that much. I just don't feel like going to the hockey game for some reason, and I definitely don't want to see a school show alone, thats too lame. I had originally planned to follow an RA tonight so I could have tomorrow night free, but now that I think about it, being bored in my room on valentine's day will be like torture. At least I have something planned for next weekend.
I went home last weekend, and didn't enjoy it at all. I think I liked christmas break so much that being in merrimack without other people is kind of depressing. What I did notice though, is that I'm always happy when I'm on the road. I'm excited to be going home, then I get there and get excited to be back. I think somethings wrong with me in that regard, that I'm not ever happy anywhere, I'm just always looking forward to being somewhere else. It's like I never enjoy the present, just keep waiting for something else that I think will be fun. I keep hoping things will be better, and stay optimistic, but I really have started to question if/when things will be good.
All I ever do is sleep, breakfast, class, lunch, nap, movie, video games, gym, TV, bed. What's the point? I've gotten really good at video games, improved at basketball, and seen a ton of movies. I guess I like doing some of those things, but it just is kind of getting old. I guess I just really miss high school, miss having lots of friends around, and miss being happy.
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| Christmas Eve |
[24 Dec 2008|10:57pm] |
It's christmas eve, and there's one hour left until christmas. To say that I'm happy or excited would be a lie, it is going to be a really long day. I cant say thanksgiving was all that hard, because we had company most of the day to spend time with and to enjoy their company to take our mind off things. Tomorrow will be the first christmas without mom. I'll still miss waking her up in the morning, and the way she would fall behind as my sister and I eagerly tore through our stockings and stormed down the stairs. Her side of the bed upstairs seems deserted, and it really feels like my parent's bedroom is unbalanced. Even though she had been mentally mostly gone for such a long time, her presence alone is what made it feel more like a family. I still get angry if anyone calls my grandmother mom (other than dad). If he should start dating again, I don't know what I can refer to his girlfriend as, but I have to keep reminding myself that its not my business anyways. I'm sure my mom would've wanted him to be happy again too.
The last year has been the most challenging, defining, and important year of my life thus far, and I even fear it might remain that way forever. I graduated high school, I decided on a college, I lost a family member, I moved out of home, and I tried to make new friends at school. I have survived the year at least, and I'm at least happy to say that I have truly changed over the past year. It has defined a lot of who I am, and has taught me my own limits. At the same time I've learned to appreciate family, friends, and everyone for who they are. I no longer feel like I need to change people, just that I need to accept what they are. Everyone's decisions are their own, and its not my place to correct them. Instead, those people have to learn for themselves what life holds for them, and they should not be condemned by some kid like me.
As I write this, its beginning to answer a question I have been asking myself lately. First off, what have I done? In my entire life, I feel like I haven't left a mark on anything. I have wasted time, slacked in school, and have become a wise-cracking kid...
Along the same lines, we watched It's a Wonderful Life tonight, and it gives a pretty blatant answer to my questions, along with anyones questions about what they've accomplished. As Clarence wrote "No man is a failure who has friends."
Yesterday I met up with about a dozen kids over the course of the day, ate lunch, visited lots of teachers (who i can also consider friends) sledded, ate dinner, and played video games. It was a great day, and I think that being with friends, and spending time with them just enjoying yourself is what's important. Other people are what make life worth living. The only way I think I made it through the funeral is just from seeing how many people turned up. People who knew my mom both before, or after she had gotten sick. People who had never met her, but people who cared deeply for my dad, my sister, and myself. And I know even more people would have come for me, or my family if it hadn't been such a sudden thing, and with everyone out of town for college I fully understood.
I kept telling myself not to get mad at people who didn't offer condolences or sympathy, but it was only human. I think everyone wants sympathy sometimes, and at a time like that, even if someone says they don't want sympathy, it is a lie. I learned that as a friend, I know that I should do things for friends when they are in need. I had done it in the past, shoveling a driveway when a friend's grandmother was about to die, and it was such a great feeling. I don't think I could forgive myself now if I ever turned a cold shoulder to a friend in need. My dad still holds grudges for people who didn't send a card or anything, including extended family, and I certainly don't blame him. But at the same time, I think holding grudges is useless. You either confront people if necessary, or you forget about it.
With Christmas morning rapidly approaching, I'm happy to be thinking of my mom, and I am accepting that I shouldn't be looking forward to another happy, usual christmas morning. It would be unnatural to wake up tomorrow and not miss her. But what I am happy to say is that I am not alone, and I never am alone. While I hold her in my heart, and remember her constantly, there are countless people looking out for me, and willing to do anything they can for me. That is what I'm most thankful for this christmas, and I wish for everyone to remain happy and healthy, and hope that we can stay as close or grow closer in the next year.
When I mentioned watching It's a Wonderful Life, our family sat together and watched. My dad lit a single candle for my mom. As the movie went on and it got later, nana, dad, and allison all went to bed. Now its just me and this candle, and I certainly can't leave it lit all night. But I have learned through this whole experience how to let go. We had to let my mom go once already, and holding on to a candle for sentimental value or hope that it can keep my mom here is childish. I know she'll never be entirely gone from me, and come on, her genes make up half of my own. I have learned how blessed I was to have such wonderful genes, along with such incredible, loving, supporting parents. It has helped to persevere, even if I cannot persevere fearlessly. And so, I'll face christmas morning tomorrow, and I know it will be hard. I know spending the day here with just Allison and Dad (also grandma, but she sleeps most of the time haha) will be hard, since we each will be silently reminiscing about the things we miss most. But even with the silence amongst the three of us, I know we still aren't alone. And december 26th will dawn the same, and life will go on. But in this small snapshot of our embattled family, I think you can see more about us than at any other time. We need to support each other while we can, and sometimes things change, but having family and friends it the most important thing.
Goodnight, and Merry christmas to all. I wish you all the best, and I hope to see you soon over break. I wish you and your family a happy healthy new year, and hope that someday, when facing adversity you can persevere through your family and friend's love and support.
The candle looks awfully bright, and putting it out will be a shame. But I know it can't last forever. It's time.
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[04 Dec 2008|11:55am] |
since I'm in a better mood and have an hour to kill, I figure why not write something less horribly negative? College isn't going to get a ton better, but eh what the hell. Sometimes I'm alright with it, other times I'm so bored I hate it. But right now this is alright. I've kind of just come to terms that I'm not going to be the person I used to be, and I won't have as many friends here in college, but also that doesn't mean it has to be miserable. I've started using my free time to abuse my roommates netflix subscriptions, watching about 2 per day. Its not too bad though, its sort of a time that I feel like I finally can start spending my free time doing things other than just being depressed. I'm debating whether I should spend some of my own money on a video game for myself to pass the time, or buy other people christmas presents. Out of context it sounds selfish, but I don't know, maybe this is a time when I should be more selfish...
I went to the student cable access studio last night for a meeting, and was inspired a little. Over the rest of the night I (finally) got some solid ideas. Its been so long since I could think of anything creative or funny that I really want to try to run with what I've got right now. Just being in a studio again was the first feeling of being at home I've ever had here, and seeing a camera somewhere on campus was refreshing. I think this could be something good for me, since even with next semesters harder schedule, it will still be a pretty big joke. Amandarsh said Calc 1 is less than what leone taught me (so maybe we wont get as far as "piss pants drunk" until Calc 2? hahaha completely uncalled for). Physics is supposed to be a challenge, but it also was supposed to be one last year. I have yet to find myself thinking I'm learning much of anything, but I guess I can start to take action myself... I just hadn't had the motivation to do it yet, or the energy. I'm a little intrigued though at the enormous budget the studio brags about. I saw their three computers yesterday, and wasn't sure which memory-related topic was most impressive. A-the 3 computers share 8 TB of memory B- There is 5 TB free space C-Somehow they've filled 3 TB with something? (not completely porn?)
I also might re-arrange my schedule next semester today, cuz I either need to drop Calculus or one of my 2 bs communication classes so that I'm not in class during studio meetings. The people at them seem sort of like dorks (10 minute conversation about who owns which comic books was the first clue), but what the hell, not like I've got any friends either so who cares? I'm too judgmental anyways. But while I'm at it, I sort of hate the "indy-college" style of wearing a blazer over some sweater with some scarf or cabbie driver hat if thats what its called. I sort of hate fashion in general, just because someone or something in the media represents the acceptable or trendy style, and people pay for it. I feel like those people are just insecure, seeking acceptance through their clothes rather than personality. Talk about judgmental, sheesh. I think making quick reads and judging people is a lose-lose though. It sort of distances me from people I have yet to meet, and at the same time, I judge myself every day, which only deepens the depression I've been in. I guess I should stop, but I don't know, I just hate some things. Drinking usually comes up once per lj post for me so i might as well include it. I had sort of been on the fence, since theirs so little to do here and it is probably the easiest way to meet people here. And even with people telling me its not a big deal either way, and they wont think anything different of me either way, I only occasionally remember that its not for other people I choose not to. Its for myself. I'm proud of my decisions, and in my own mind I really respect myself for being able to stick to my own decision, and not cave in to the people around me. And while in my own mind I do judge them even though I have no right to, its my own god damn opinion, and that opinion is more important to me than other peoples. So instead of drinking here for acceptance or using it to find something fun to do, I think I'll continue doing my own thing. Because in my eyes, its the more respectable thing. And if you disagree with me, fuck you. Just kidding. A little. Maybe.
Anyways,
I have really enjoyed the movies I've started watching, and am probably going to join the "Film Underground" club tonight, to watch movies other people pick, but w/e. If anyone wants to fill me in on movie recommendations that most people haven't seen or anything I'd be interested. I watched Dirty Harry the other night (woo! technicolor!) which was really good. I loved the plot, and tend to like movies with sick serial killer freaks anyways. I have to say the structure of the movie reminded me a lot of The Dark Knight (not to make the cliche reference to every assholes new all-time favorite movie.). I watched a movie adaptation of Call of The Wild yesterday and without much familiarity to the book, I liked the story a lot as well. The directing and everything left a little to be desired, but its the type of movie that you can tell didn't stray tremendously far from the book. It also is one of those nature type movies that makes you reconsider whats important in life, and I think thats helped my mindset yesterday and today. As a side note, I love the yukon trail and region, and hope someday to go see some or all of it. Not to go ADD on you, but what a perfect transition into hiking haha. I want to hike a lot this summer. And I'm not sure this is an invitation... so much as a statement. I think I want to hike with my dad because he used to be a great hiker, and it'd be a fun time. I still get a pretty big sense of pride when I climb any mountain, considering with my feet I wasn't supposed to ever walk. I'd really like to do that more, and see just how much I can do.
A few unrelated side-notes:
I was a little let down by some specific people not trying to see me over thanksgiving break, but now am just starting to think half-full, and am instead happy with the people who still remember me and aren't the too busy type.
I want to start writing my own sports blog
I'm still not entirely at terms with death by any means, but its such a weird thing to think that on this earth, death happens every single day. One single death means so much to so many, but at the same time its the only sure thing in the world. I still have weird dreams about it all the time, its as if my mind still thinks she's alive, no matter the condition. I don't know..
And finally, I get pissed off or depressed when I'll go days without hearing from people. I'm not going to reach out to someone and say "hey I haven't heard from you in weeks. how are you? I feel like crap, thanks for keeping in touch." So now I guess I'll lean on the support that has shown up for me and is here, and the supports I used to think exist who have shit a nice brick on that idea, I'm just going to have to start to forget about. Highschool is good for making friends, but its also nice to know where the friendship is mutual I suppose.
If anyone is offended by this or thinks I'm particularly depressed, I'm sorry. I was way more depressed last update, and I'm actually feeling alright right now. Thanks for the readership/support, respek.
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| Late night depression |
[23 Nov 2008|02:41am] |
Its approaching 4 o'clock in the morning, and I can't sleep. I am so depressed with life right now I can't even describe it. You probably shouldn't even read this, its so negative. There's your fair warning...
EDIT: now that I've finished writing, I'd strongly suggest not reading it.
I think its transitioned from shock and grief from my mom to just becoming uncomfortable and unhappy with every single thing in my life.
I hate UNH. Its that simple. I spent this week purely trying to make more friends, get out of the dorm room and meet people and get involved. Instead, after monday night at the gym I talked to my RA for an hour and a half, discussing the possibility of spending a semester commuting to UNH manchester. Not that I think it would be any more enjoyable, but I'm in the position where I just hate everything about where I'm at. So thats pretty sweet, considering a commuter college/glorified community college just to try to hate your own life less. I'm sure my mom would be proud. Tuesday I don't remember doing all that much either... go figure. I think we walked around the dorm but nobody was free so I skimmed a chapter of a textbook that would be on an exam friday. Wednesday I got kicked out of my room into the 20 degree weather so my roommate could have sex with his girlfriend. I went to the MUB and played ping-pong with ben because he's one of my only friends here. Watched south park alone and went to bed. My thursday class was cancelled so I met my student advisor, then went to a review session for the friday exam. I had pineapple as my lunch with amanda, and spent most of the rest of the night too dizzy to move cuz I guess I had had too much sugar. So instead of going to a film extra-curricular I was going to join I spent the night trying not to move.
Yesterday was friday night. I went to the football field and threw a football with ben, zach, and my roommate nick. Nicks cousin was supposed to be coming with a shit-load of beer, which I just figured I'd leave them alone or whatever. Then he said his cousin would bring two friends which I figured was fine as long as they knew one would sleep on the floor. I spent the night in the lounge playing rockband, socializing and watching a movie. A little past 2 I was ready to call it a night. I went up to my room and there were 15 people in it. about 5 were from UNH, so the other 10 all planned to crash in my room. I left this morning to prevent myself from breaking my roommates stuff in the room and/or face. By the time we got home today it was probably 3, and I took a nap because I hadn't slept too well with 10 people leaving periodically in the morning to go to work (including several who had work at 7 and had to leave by 6, after drinking till 3). Instead of napping from 4 till dinner time, my family decided not to eat dinner, so I never got woken up for any reason, so I slept from 4-9:30. Now I'm wide awake just sitting here at 4 in the morning in my room on my god-awful mattress trying to think of the positives... in any possible perspective... about anything.
I don't even want to do anything thanksgiving break anymore. Best case, I have fun and remember how much fun I used to have before I went to my safety school. I'll get to see all my friends who have moved on with their lives, while I'm still stuck between hating college and being alone back in Merrimack. Worst case, I go out and don't have any fun, and probably just start to think that I probably wont again for a long while.
I probably shouldn't have written this for people to read because its stupid and depressing. But I really don't have much else to do right now this late. Feel free not to read this anymore, because now I'll probably just think of a few particular things that are bothering me, to pass the time or something.
The exam I pretended to care about that I mentioned, I aced. I didn't take one note on the textbook, just looked over the first two chapters and maybe 5 pages of the last one. I didn't study thursday night because I was too dizzy, so I walked into the exam having spent no time preparing, and still know that I did as well as anyone. Later that day my roommate called me from the bathroom. He was cheating on an exam, and needed me to figure out the answer to an algebra problem. In calculator notation it was something very similar to ((3x+2)/2)=x+5 If it looks like eighth grade math to you, thats because it is. He said he spent 20 minutes on it and couldn't get the answer. I still have yet to meet someone here that has come off as particularly intelligent...
My sister has a great job possibly lined up for her, and she still is in her first semester of senior year. She's been interviewing, and might teach at Phillips Exeter academy, which we drove around today. It was an incredible campus, reminded me of Harvard. It made me wonder what types of job opportunities are presented at UNH. I know my major is the easiest there, so its already looking like I'll have to go to grad school to even have a fighting chance. Even in other majors, my roommate mentioned a friend of theirs who graduated from the business school, possibly the best school at UNH. He said they graduated in 2007 and have yet to find a job. That makes the outlook even bleaker for someone in my crappy program. It made me start wondering if I should do engineering, just so that I can make a living after college. I used to believe doing what you love was most important, and the money would follow, but I am pretty skeptical of that old belief now. I feel like I'm the type of person who things don't work out for...
One thing that keeps killing me is a few memories from high school friends. I remember one, even though I don't remember the context, telling me "I don't want to look back on high school as the best time of my life." or something to that effect. It bothers me all the time, because most of the time I just think back on being around people I knew were smarter than me, and challenged me. Now I'm around people who picked their college based off price and accessibility to alcohol. I am really terrified that the best years are behind me...
Another particular thing is the "I'm here for you" garbage. Most people have been to be fair, but is it wrong of me to want to tell a single particular person that they aren't? Every conversation I have with them is accusational, and at the same time if I even ask them to do anything its always an excuse and an apology. They told me recently I'm hurting them because "I don't like to ask for help, or wont". I responded by trying twice, including the second try being that I needed to talk about possibly going to manchester, even just online. That was 4 days ago now, and that conversation never happened. I asked them to do one thing for me when they were in town for the funeral, and even though neither of us has brought it up again so I can't know for sure, every single ounce of me knows that they didn't do it. It was just something as simple as asking them to write me a yearbook signing, which I hadn't gotten from them. I don't know what to do with them anymore, I really want to just explain my point of view of the whole situation, bitch them out, and move on to friends that I can rely on to at least have enough time to have a conversation with...
Hows about another high school friend who openly shits on UNH around me, who asked "Don't you see people from high school there all the time?" I told him no, only in passing and stuff, but now that I've thought about it, I gave the wrong answer. At another school, any other school, you might see one person from MHS once a week or something. I just didn't really think about how much different UNH is in that regard, how far it is from a real college experience. I sit with Mike Howe in my communications lecture, I see Ben Phelps every day, Amanda I'll see weekly, I'll see Carly in the MUB in passing a lot of the time (smart kid!), and there's still about 15 other Merrimack kids I'll see around here. I didn't realize at all your schools, you might see someone from high school occasionally, or in a small number of cases, you'll see one person from high school daily and nobody else. I think this has made college so much better for everyone else, because you have to meet new people, because everyone there is somebody new. It should be so different from high school, but at UNH it hardly is.
Just the fact that I can bitch about high school friends this long is pathetic. It should give an extremely accurate idea of how many new people I am close to at college. Maybe the fact that I'm not moving on is what's been my real problem... but if I do right now then I'll be facing the worst time of my entire life alone. I keep thinking things can't get too much worse, then things like last night and the 10 person sleep-over in a triple happen. My dad joked today that "Josh is looking out over the grand canyon right now, right on the edge". I don't think he's right at all. Its more like I'm hanging on with one hand, and I keep having new people stomp on my fingers. What's the point of fighting it any more?
In conclusion... I won't be at all surprised if I get prescribed anti-depressants by christmas. Happy Holidays.
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[03 Nov 2008|04:53pm] |
Hey all 6 people that read this! How are you? You probably have been waiting for me to update this again, because of all the stuff thats happened along with how wildly entertaining it usually is. So here you go.
I wish I weren't starting off by saying this, because its... not a good way to start writing, but 2 weeks ago tomorrow, my mom died. It was a tough process all the way through. In the hospitals we were just wishing it would finally end without the doctors being as resistant. Then after it happened the grief sets in and everything changes. Then we start to think the worst is over, but then the memorial service thing happens, and it seems like you're starting all over. I spoke at the service, or more specifically, read exactly the words on the paper in front of me without looking up, and trying my hardest not to break down. I can't really think of many things to come in the next... several years much more difficult.
I hadn't meant this update to be dwelling on all of that, because I really don't think telling the whole story again would be at all helpful to my state of mind. At the same time, I do want to write down everything at some point, so I hope that I feel comfortable enough to do that sometime soon... but I am pretty unfamiliar with the whole grieving process, so I don't know what to expect I'll feel like on a day-to-day basis.
Instead, I wanted to write about the other things I've been thinking about these past 2 weeks. I know that people will probably tell me that I'm not in the best state if mind for such big decisions and everything, but in my mind I just keep validating things more and more. So I don't know, give me feedback, I'd like to hear what people think.
First off school. I can't say UNH is the best school for me. I can't say that it's close. We are in the middle of nowhere, which pretty much means pastimes are drink... and... not much else. I know that wouldn't change much other places, but I still think it's at least slightly above average here to say the least. I really haven't done all that well meeting people or anything, but its been tough, any new connections I had made kind of faded away over the 2 weeks I was gone, and I still haven't given most people an explanation because I don't like talking about it right now. At the same time, the term friend here seems to only mean "drinking buddy". Because what else is there to do on campus? Certainly not homework. I am tearing up my classes though, I pretty much have most make up work from 2 weeks done over 4 days, and my classes have been extremely easy. My english class had one big paper due already, and my teacher changed her course syllabus because of how bad they were. She also recommended that I publish mine in a book that collects UNH papers, and requires each freshman class to buy. So while I thought that was a compliment, it also confirmed how far ahead of the curve I have felt here. I was walking to class yesterday morning and asked myself what I've learned so far in my classes... and legitimately drew a blank. Only thing that came to mind was the difference between a semi-colon and colon. Everything else I already knew, considering two classes have just been practicing citations in research writing, and one is studying different forms of media (I had so much to learn about cable TV! I knew more tha my teacher about community access stuff). I probably sound like an arrogant asshole, bragging and everything... but I feel like the 10,000 dollars spent on the semester would have been better spent in a lot of other places. Which is why I'm considering transferring. And not just "oh maybe I'll transfer," I'm seriously looking at it in depth. The question I keep coming down to though is if its better to go somewhere I can afford, but wont learn? Or am I better off learning a lot even though I can't afford it?
Thats been the biggest thing running through my mind here, I have felt like such a majority of the people I've met here are ridiculously stupid that I couldn't belong here. And typing that made me feel like a stuck up, really condescending person... but everyone in my major is an idiot (easiest major at UNH, contrasted to the other 2 i looked at, which were top 10 in the country in the field). We also have started look to schedule classes for next semester, and I looked ahead to senior year. Classes offered senior year still seem like less than the stuff I did in high school, which is incredibly frustrating. I can pay all the money to go here for 4 years just for a piece of paper that says I did, even though I already know all this stuff. Its so stupid.
So to recap all that stuff, I want to transfer because: my major is stupid easy here, I'm way ahead of the curve, I correct my professor in my intro to mass communications lecture, I have yet to learn much of anything, and on top of all that there is nothing to do here but drink.
I also started pushing my dad to move out of the house this past weekend, because I dont see the point of staying in that big of a house when a majority of the time its him and my grandmother, and in reality he should be relieved from his role as a care-giver at this point, not shifting gears. But I'm not sure I need to argue that point any more than that... or that I really want to here.
One thing I also had wanted to write about is a place that has really helped me through the past few weeks. My dad and I agreed on a name for it last week, "The Crossing". It's an old bridge across Baboosic Brook near my house that got washed out, and has been left alone for years. Every time I've been over there its different. It is my favorite place in merrimack I think, but I also am kind tired of typing right now, so will save that description and explanation for the next time I have free time and nothing to do (possibly any day this week, because I know I wont have really any homework at all... god damn this school). Before I write about it though, I'd like to post some pictures online of the spot, but don't really think a facebook album is sensible. Anyone know where else I can upload pictures for public sharing? Let me know...
I will probably go grab dinner now, then go to the gym, then watch monday night football. Notice homework doesn't appear in those plans, because once again, I have none tonight. Earlier today I watched no country for old men in my massive amounts of free time, what a weird movie. I decided I don't like the Coen brothers... it was kind of a scary movie, but that was about it. Seems like a pointless story to tell through a film, which always bothers me. Tomorrow I'm going to vote, wednesday I might go see a movie, then to buy a new video game (fallout probably), thursday I'll play the new video game, then friday I'm going back home. I wish I had to pretend to plan on doing homework doing the week... but I've decided to stop kidding myself because I will never have more than about 20 minutes worth a night. So frustrating
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